Hello Everyone (All 8 of you)
From my brief stint in running a blog, it has become pretty obvious that I’m bad at this. Naturally though, I’m going to keep plugging until I either break the internet Kardashian-style, or until I meet (another) someone so lovely that I would hate to put her shit all up on the internet for me to complain about and sweep up all of your digital love:
So here I am, 28 years old, a friend from work suggested (quite sweetly) that I should apply to be on a British TV show called The Undateables:
Which I hadn’t seen a trailer for until just then, so essentially this is the kind of dude an actual friend thinks I am. So dear reader, I believe you’re in for a real treat.
Allow me to tell you a little about myself, in addition to being 28, I’m also a failed Film Producer, not the kind of failed in which you feel like with a montage, and an assuring pat on the back (a scene ripped directly from one of my films), that I could get over my hump and go get that career, nope, I’m much more Apollo Creed from Rocky IV than Rocky Balboa.
So now I spend my days typing away on spreadsheets, doing shady stats, and being a general cool guy for a Shady Government Organisation. We don’t even get our picture on our lanyard, but I’m going to blame the government for this. I’m a hopeless romantic, I love flowers, wine and movie nights, shoulder rubs after a long day, and a good dose of head patting, which could be reciprocated once I’ve had my fill, obviously. I’ve been single for a long time, to the point where I’m pretty sure there are primary school children who’s parents were writing terrible single life blogs when I last had a serious romantic relationship. I really wish I could tell you dear reader that I was “doing me” but to be honest, I certainly wasn’t*.
I spent a good portion of the 2012-2015 wallowing about a girl I liked who only saw me as a meal ticket to do her university assignments for her. So naturally I am an idiot, this hasn’t changed, however, I won’t ever put myself in THAT situation again. I’m overweight but working on it, and I will say often and loudly that I look like a foot. So what’s an overweight dude who looks like a foot to do? Try to be funny, fail at that, and be very nice. First it was a coping mechanism due to looking like a younger foot when I was 15, however it has turned into one of my defining features, which has lead to a lot of friendships, and not a whole lot of dating. I’m not proud of this next sentence reader, but let me tell you, I tried negging once, and my god I’m terrible at that, I just wanted to apologise the whole time, how do people do that? It’s so awful. That will be my question to you lovely readers, why is negging so prevalent, and why did you try it?
Now I’m not the kind of writer to just put in a flashy YouTube video and assume that my dearest readers will believe that I am incompetent at love, so I have attached some handy examples below of the kinds of titles you’ll be looking forward to reading:
- The Time I Lost My Virginity (and texted West Ham United’s team song to my friends)
- That Time I Left My Car to Kiss a Girl I Had Already Dropped Home.
- That Time One of My Best Friends and I Had Lots of Weird Sex Over Summer.
- When Mr Ridley Jumped from a Second Storey Window to Avoid Sex.
There are cavalcades more of these awful adventures in dating, some are truthfully disgusting, some are depressingly sad, others are more the kind of awkward that gets a clearly (hopefully) non-disfigured man recommended to enter The Undateables. Well it’s either that or buy a farm.
Stay tuned for – Mr Ridley tries Tinder (Again…) and Mr Ridley has Another Close Friend.
*Crysterbation doesn’t count does it?